A Visit With My Therapist

I have an uneasy truce with my bipolar disorder. For the most part; we cohabitate peacefully and without too much drama. So I was a bit put out when I got blindsided by a depressive wave yesterday - it came on from completely out of the blue. I was sitting at my desk, making plans for the evening; and I felt it wash over me like a cold chill. All aspirations fled my mind and suddenly I had absolutely no desire or energy to do anything. The gym felt like it was a million miles away; and the 5K pub run I was so looking forward to suddenly felt like a looming, daunting task. So I went home. And I sulked - because that's what I do. I become cranky, weepy, negativity-driven hermit girl. And I HATE IT. I went to bed at 9 and hoped I would sleep it off.

I didn't. I woke up with that all too familiar feeling of not wanting to interact with people, of just wanting to sleep all day... So I called in sick and began sulking. Because that's what I do... It was cold and overcast - and that just added to my mood... At one point I noticed the sun was shining. So before the negative thoughts could even begin to whisper through my mind; I laced up my shoes, put on my iPod - and I went running.

At first, my body and my soul were very unhappy with me. See, exercise isn't part of the routine, sulking is. So my shins ached and my soul complained and I ignored it all. I told myself, just do three miles. Just three miles. At least then I can say I did something. So I ran. I ran my favorite route because I know it and I love it. But when I reached the top of the hill where I usually go left; I noticed that across the street the trail continued on - and I felt enticed. So I crossed the street and I continued on. It was a beautiful dirt trail running through the back side of a blissfully quiet neighborhood - and I felt myself growing calm and peaceful.

Three miles came and went; and still I ran. The fragmented shards inside of me began falling back into place; the angry, negative edges softened and disappeared. I felt my heart beating, I heard my breathing, I felt my footfalls - rhythmic and soothing. I paid attention to the wind and the sky; I watched the clouds roll in and the Robins frolicking in the grasses around me. And I continued to run.

I saw these guys as I started up the hill towards the last part of my run. They made me smile. I was running slow today but I didn't care - it wasn't about that. This run was more for my mind and not just for my body. I continued to run, paying attention to the music on my iPod (my summertime playlist - all of the songs that connect me to the carefree summer days of my youth; the songs that always make me feel young and nostalgic.) And I ran.

I ran until I was soaked in sweat, until the aches gave way; I ran until I felt like I was no longer running away from something but rather running towards something. A hot shower, a good meal; hell, who knows. I just felt like I was no longer sinking out of control into the darkness, but that I was back on the right path.

The home stretch - two more miles left to go. I ended up running 8 miles. I feel 100% better... Now I will shower, and eat a good, clean meal. I no longer feel agitated or weepy. I still feel a little low, but it's not painful. Running is good therapy.