Temporary Defeat

I read somewhere that not every run would be a good one. I am all to familiar with the whole 'bad' workout experience, that pretty much summed up almost my entire skate season last near. (I went from rec skates to custom speed skates and it was... Painful.) - So yeah, I figured it would happen eventually, and I would get through it just like I did with skating. What I apparently FORGOT however, was just how devastating and frustrating it can be when it's actually happening.

I had a bad week and a half, then started getting back on track. I had a great workout last Thursday, then I did my long run on Saturday and I really struggled with it. I ran just a little over 7 miles and I walked for a lot of it. The worst part was that I never hit that part where I suddenly feel zen. I just felt tired and annoyed and I wanted it over with. Yesterday was the same way; I got on the treadmill and it was like everything hurt, and I couldn't catch my breath and I just wanted to be done with it!! I only did 3 miles, followed by a weight workout. I dragged through all of it and I didn't feel good the entire time.

I have a lot of stuff going on in my life right now; mostly stress at work. I feel extremely overwhelmed and depressed about it. Working out has been my salvation, because it usually makes me feel better. These last couple of times it hasn't. Today was the worst... I got a snazzy new pair of compression shorts, but I didn't realize how slick the material is. So my fuel belt kept sliding up and it started to drive me bat shit crazy. I kept having to stop and adjust it. I was so completely focused on the constant sliding belt that I didn't experience the run. It was a beautiful evening but all I was aware of was sliiide, stop: tug. Sliiiiide stop; tug. Fuck. Fuck. FUUUUCK!! Then when I didn't think it could get any worse, my headphone got snagged and when I grabbed it to adjust it; it broke... I almost had a melt down in the middle of the trail. I took the belt off and held it in my hand and ran the rest of the way home. Furious, frustrated and heartbroken. I was looking forward to and really NEEDED the zen of my run; but instead I just came home angrier than when I left...

I know it sounds so stupid but you have to be able to relate. When you just want to lose yourself in your head or have your senses stimulated by everything you are experiencing while you run; but all you can focus on is something that is ruining it. A rock in the shoe, a horsefly that won't leave you alone, capris that keep riding up behind the knee; or stupid slippery shorts that send your fuel belt sliding up practically around your neck - anything that redirects your attention and hampers your joy.

And I had a moment before I got in the shower, where I wondered what the hell am I doing? I'm sore. I'm tired. I suck at running. I feel like I've hit a wall; like I've had a set back. I feel like I did when I first started running; tired, sore, out of breath; weak! Why the hell am I doing this??? I mean, I don't have anything to prove, I guess I just wanted to see if I could do it. I can do it. (Dammit, I am doing it!!)

I have four weeks until my half marathon. I'm beginning to have doubt. Somebody please tell me this is normal, that this will pass - that I will get back to feeling strong and that I will begin to see improvements again..