If you follow my inline skating blog or are my friend on Facebook then you probably already know about the monkey wrench. I also refer to it as the tiger on a ribbon, or the uncaged dragon with whom I co-exist but will never fully tame. It is a part of me, and it helps define who I am. Like it or not, have bipolar disorder. Yep, I'm crazy. I was diagnosed in 2000 but have been bipolar my entire life. (Back in school I was labeled 'moody', 'hyperactive', and 'difficult'.) I have bipolar II - which is characterized by hypo manic phases (rather than full blown mania - even though I have had at least 3 episodes of really scary full blown mania) with more emphasis on the depressive cycles. (Lucky me.)
Every person with bipolar disorder has different hallmark symptoms. For me personally, I have 'good' mania and 'bad' mania. My good manic cycles are characterized by an increase in energy and stamina. I feel invincible, unstoppable and larger than life. Everything feels magnified: music sounds poignant and brings me to tears; food tastes better; colors are more vivid and I feel extremely sensitive to sight and touch. It's euphoria and elation and I won't lie; I love it. People pay money for drugs that make them feel that way! The bad mania is much less frequent (thankfully!) and my hallmark symptoms are agitation, rage, and paranoia.
I also have 'light' depression and 'heavy' depression. When I'm having a light depressive cycle, I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. I'm more empathetic. I feel nostalgic and connected to the world around me on a very basic level. It is like a heavy blanket has wrapped around me forcing me to be quiet and still. Reflective. The 'heavy' depressive cycles are horrible; and luckily also a lot less frequent! Those cycles have me spending days on end in sleeping away in bed, craving sweets, skipping showers, and not interacting with the world at all. I've been fired from jobs and lost relationships during these episodes because I am so far down that I just don't care. I am happy to report that I have not had a heavy depressive episode in years.
When I was first diagnosed, I was put on Lithium and Zyprexa. At the time I was having a mixed episode; which means you are both manic and depressed. It's actually the absolute worst stage of the disorder in my opinion. Thus began my nightmare journey into the world of head meds... I won't go into too much detail because that is a whole other story - but for six years I was in a drug induced hell. I gained 65 lbs. I had hair loss, skin rashes, hallucinations. I now have panic attacks that I never had prior to taking the medications. My thyroid stopped working. The medications made me feel so disconnected from myself that I felt as if my soul had fled and I was just a shell of a human being. A dried out husk with no meat, blood, desire or motivation. I came to a point in 2006 where I made the decision that I would rather live with the symptoms of my disorder than the side effects of the drugs; and I stopped taking them all.
It wasn't easy at first but over time I have come to recognize the signs of the beginning of a cycle and I've learned ways to work through them with minimal damage control required. I've learned that a combination of diet, exercise, keeping a journal, and keeping my life low key can help keep me sane. The more mundane and predicable my world is - the more stable I am. I still cycle, sometimes very frequently; but they are usually gentle rides that I can get through without anyone even knowing that I'm cycling. (I get kind of resentful about that sometimes - having to hide it so I don't alarm anyone. I've embraced who I am, so why can't other people?) ...
But anyway... It can be a monkey wrench. Why? Because a cycle can throw me completely off track, especially a depressive one. If I'm clipping along full speed ahead training for something, a depressive cycle can stop me dead in my tracks. Which is what happened to me last week. It's frustrating but all I can do is ride it out (doing what I need to do with minimal damage control required) and try to break through it as fast as possible so I can resume training. I envy people who can go week after week, doing what they need to do - without the added baggage of a mental monkey wrench.
I'm about 4 1/2 weeks from Colfax, I think I will still be able to get back on track with my training even with this monkey wrench mucking up the works....
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