I am frustrated. Depressed. Confused. But also determined not to quit or give up. For my entire life my motto has been 'when the going gets tough; I'm outta here'. Quitting is easy. Sticking something out even when it feels completely hopeless takes a great deal of strength... And some measure of insanity I'm sure.
I've been spending a lot of time reading up on gastroparesis - what causes it, what triggers flare-ups; how to manage it. I've also been reading forums and that is a huge mistake. I learned back in the early days of my bipolar diagnosis that there are some people who sit back and wallow in a diagnosis rather than find ways to combat it. (It IS easier to give up and quit you know.) I read a lot of depressing stuff and had to make myself focus on the posts from folks like me. People who are not content to sit back and play the victim or be defined by a "lazy stomach" and all of the crap that goes along with it. I mean seriously, who would? Just like with the bipolar, I want to find a way to co-exist since this is a chronic issue with no cure.
But I have been really depressed. I went for a skate on Monday, and I felt pretty good! But then yesterday I had a rough day of feeling bloated and overly full; unable to eat anything of substance. So I wallowed. I allowed myself to take on the weight of my distress and it about crushed me. This morning started out the same way, I really wanted to just go back to bed but the optimistic part of me was far more determined than the depressed part of me - I made myself lace up and go run. I haven't been on a run since the 4th of July 5k; and I haven't been on a long run since the Castle Rock half marathon (June 29th). I left my MOTOACTV watch at home because I didn't want to focus on distance or pace - I was going to focus on how my body felt and run accordingly.
I did my nutrition/hydration different today too; I ate one GU prior to running; no solid food (I usually eat a bagel or some oatmeal). I ran with 1 1/2 tabs of Nuun in 20 oz of water. I ate another GU at 45 minutes. I finished all of the water just as my run was completed. (I ran a very slow 7.25 miles; took me an hour and a half.) When I got home I drank one scoop of Max Muscle ARM recovery drink mixed with 12 oz of room temperature water. During my run I had some minor stomach cramps about 3.5 miles in, a few really rank acid burps, and shortness of breath. I walked a lot to get my breathing back under control and that helped. The temps ranged from 73 degrees when I started to 80 degrees when I finished. I was soaked in sweat.
As of right now, I feel pretty good. Having a little reflux and feel a bit short of breath; but my stomach is calm. No cramps, no bloating. I really do like the Max Muscle ARM recovery drink - once I acclimated to the flavor anyway. (I drink the lemon lime one) It doesn't upset my stomach at all. I was drinking chocolate milk as a recovery drink but the dairy caused bloating and that is something I need to avoid. I think I'm going to continue to use the Max Muscle. I'm getting some water in me then I'll hit the shower.
I'm still not sure about Saturday. I was thinking of dropping down to the 10k because I know I can comfortably do 6.2 miles. But the website is saying that as of 7/8 they are not allowing anyone to switch distances. I honestly don't know if I could manage a half marathon right now, my stomach is still not back to normal and I am having a really hard time getting enough calories every day. I bought some Ensure but man, that shit is NASTY. There has GOT to be a better alternative to that!!! I'll mix my own vitamin smoothies rather than drink another bottle of that stuff. Gag!
My doctor wants to check my thyroid levels again to see if a med adjustment is in order; I'm anxious for my appointment with the sports nutritionist but that isn't until August 10th. I was happy to read that her specialty is actually sports performance nutrition. I hope that she can help me. I have not made an appointment with the GI doc, I was thinking that there isn't really anything she can do,but maybe going in and talking with her wouldn't be a bad idea... Couldn't hurt anyway. So I may still do that. I just want to get back to feeling strong and healthy and kick ass. Right now I do not.
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