Temporary Defeat

I read somewhere that not every run would be a good one. I am all to familiar with the whole 'bad' workout experience, that pretty much summed up almost my entire skate season last near. (I went from rec skates to custom speed skates and it was... Painful.) - So yeah, I figured it would happen eventually, and I would get through it just like I did with skating. What I apparently FORGOT however, was just how devastating and frustrating it can be when it's actually happening.

I had a bad week and a half, then started getting back on track. I had a great workout last Thursday, then I did my long run on Saturday and I really struggled with it. I ran just a little over 7 miles and I walked for a lot of it. The worst part was that I never hit that part where I suddenly feel zen. I just felt tired and annoyed and I wanted it over with. Yesterday was the same way; I got on the treadmill and it was like everything hurt, and I couldn't catch my breath and I just wanted to be done with it!! I only did 3 miles, followed by a weight workout. I dragged through all of it and I didn't feel good the entire time.

I have a lot of stuff going on in my life right now; mostly stress at work. I feel extremely overwhelmed and depressed about it. Working out has been my salvation, because it usually makes me feel better. These last couple of times it hasn't. Today was the worst... I got a snazzy new pair of compression shorts, but I didn't realize how slick the material is. So my fuel belt kept sliding up and it started to drive me bat shit crazy. I kept having to stop and adjust it. I was so completely focused on the constant sliding belt that I didn't experience the run. It was a beautiful evening but all I was aware of was sliiide, stop: tug. Sliiiiide stop; tug. Fuck. Fuck. FUUUUCK!! Then when I didn't think it could get any worse, my headphone got snagged and when I grabbed it to adjust it; it broke... I almost had a melt down in the middle of the trail. I took the belt off and held it in my hand and ran the rest of the way home. Furious, frustrated and heartbroken. I was looking forward to and really NEEDED the zen of my run; but instead I just came home angrier than when I left...

I know it sounds so stupid but you have to be able to relate. When you just want to lose yourself in your head or have your senses stimulated by everything you are experiencing while you run; but all you can focus on is something that is ruining it. A rock in the shoe, a horsefly that won't leave you alone, capris that keep riding up behind the knee; or stupid slippery shorts that send your fuel belt sliding up practically around your neck - anything that redirects your attention and hampers your joy.

And I had a moment before I got in the shower, where I wondered what the hell am I doing? I'm sore. I'm tired. I suck at running. I feel like I've hit a wall; like I've had a set back. I feel like I did when I first started running; tired, sore, out of breath; weak! Why the hell am I doing this??? I mean, I don't have anything to prove, I guess I just wanted to see if I could do it. I can do it. (Dammit, I am doing it!!)

I have four weeks until my half marathon. I'm beginning to have doubt. Somebody please tell me this is normal, that this will pass - that I will get back to feeling strong and that I will begin to see improvements again..

My thoughts on Boston

I had to really think about this a lot before deciding to write a blog about the bombing in Boston. My emotions and my thoughts have been a shocked and jumbled mess all week - and I know I'm not the only one.

Long before I got serious about running, I understood the significance of the Boston marathon. I have a good friend who trained, and qualified, and ran it in 2008 - and I felt a huge sense of pride and excitement for her for accomplishing such an amazing goal. She is one of my running role models. She wasn't there on Monday, but I did have a friend who was. I met him through the Run Colorado running group and although I haven't known him for very long, I got swept up in the excitement of watching him train, and fret, and work his ass off to accomplish a personal best at Boston. For me personally, I find a great deal of joy in watching people work hard, and grow, and accomplish the things they set their minds to. These are the people who inspire me  the most.

So on Monday, I was following his progress on Facebook and feeling amazed at how well he was doing. He completed the race and I along with the rest of his friends were celebrating his amazing run. About 2 hours later; I started hearing the first details about the bombs going off at the finish line. First I checked to make sure he was okay, then started following the story.

After the initial shock and horror - I felt angry. Angry that someone took an event that celebrates diligence in training, discipline and pride; an event that inspires people to be better; an event that so many individuals worked so hard to reach - and turned it into a tragedy. They killed innocent people. They injured and maimed innocent bystanders; forever changing their lives. They tarnished the accomplishments by those who completed the run; and those who didn't even get a chance to finish. And for what? I know that the search for answers is on, but to be honest I cannot even begin to comprehend a reason for this. There isn't one.

I had a couple of people ask me if I'm afraid to race now. The answer is a resounding no. I refuse to live in fear. I have things I want to accomplish in my lifetime, and cowering in my house being afraid isn't one of them. As I continue to prepare for my upcoming half marathon, I know I'm not alone. Solidarity in the athletic community is amazing; to have a strong body you have to have a strong mind. I'm proud to be a part of this community and to share this mindset.

I haven't given much thought to running a full marathon - I need to focus on one goal at a time. Right now I'm focused on the half. I figured I would see how I felt after that one to decide if I could honestly see myself doing double the time and distance. But it is an option, there is no telling what I'm capable of yet because I keep surprising myself. I have no illusions; I would probably never qualify for Boston. But if I did, I would run it. Proudly. And without fear.

The Monkey Wrench Strikes Again

If you follow my inline skating blog or are my friend on Facebook then you probably already know about the monkey wrench. I also refer to it as the tiger on a ribbon, or the uncaged dragon with whom I co-exist but will never fully tame. It is a part of me, and it helps define who I am. Like it or not, have bipolar disorder. Yep, I'm crazy. I was diagnosed in 2000 but have been bipolar my entire life. (Back in school I was labeled 'moody', 'hyperactive', and 'difficult'.) I have bipolar II - which is characterized by hypo manic phases (rather than full blown mania - even though I have had at least 3 episodes of really scary full blown mania) with more emphasis on the depressive cycles. (Lucky me.) 

Every person with bipolar disorder has different hallmark symptoms. For me personally, I have 'good' mania and 'bad' mania. My good manic cycles are characterized by an increase in energy and stamina. I feel invincible, unstoppable and larger than life. Everything feels magnified: music sounds poignant and brings me to tears; food tastes better; colors are more vivid and I feel extremely sensitive to sight and touch. It's euphoria and elation and I won't lie; I love it. People pay money for drugs that make them feel that way! The bad mania is much less frequent (thankfully!) and my hallmark symptoms are agitation, rage, and paranoia.

I also have 'light' depression and 'heavy' depression. When I'm having a light depressive cycle, I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. I'm more empathetic. I feel nostalgic and connected to the world around me on a very basic level. It is like a heavy blanket has wrapped around me forcing me to be quiet and still. Reflective. The 'heavy' depressive cycles are horrible; and luckily also a lot less frequent! Those cycles have me spending days on end in sleeping away in bed, craving sweets, skipping showers, and not interacting with the world at all. I've been fired from jobs and lost relationships during these episodes because I am so far down that I just don't care. I am happy to report that I have not had a heavy depressive episode in years.  

When I was first diagnosed, I was put on Lithium and Zyprexa. At the time I was having a mixed episode; which means you are both manic and depressed. It's actually the absolute worst stage of the disorder in my opinion. Thus began my nightmare journey into the world of head meds... I won't go into too much detail because that is a whole other story - but for six years I was in a drug induced hell. I gained 65 lbs. I had hair loss, skin rashes, hallucinations. I now have panic attacks that I never had prior to taking the medications. My thyroid stopped working. The medications made me feel so disconnected from myself that I felt as if my soul had fled and I was just a shell of a human being. A dried out husk with no meat, blood, desire or motivation. I came to a point in 2006 where I made the decision that I would rather live with the symptoms of my disorder than the side effects of the drugs; and I stopped taking them all.

It wasn't easy at first but over time I have come to recognize the signs of the beginning of a cycle and I've learned ways to work through them with minimal damage control required. I've learned that a combination of diet, exercise, keeping a journal, and keeping my life low key can help keep me sane. The more mundane and predicable my world is - the more stable I am. I still cycle, sometimes very frequently; but they are usually gentle rides that I can get through without anyone even knowing that I'm cycling. (I get kind of resentful about that sometimes - having to hide it so I don't alarm anyone. I've embraced who I am, so why can't other people?) ... 

But anyway... It can be a monkey wrench. Why? Because a cycle can throw me completely off track, especially a depressive one. If I'm clipping along full speed ahead training for something, a depressive cycle can stop me dead in my tracks. Which is what happened to me last week. It's frustrating but all I can do is ride it out (doing what I need to do with minimal damage control required) and try to break through it as fast as possible so I can resume training. I envy people who can go week after week, doing what they need to do - without the added baggage of a mental monkey wrench.

I'm about 4 1/2 weeks from Colfax, I think I will still be able to get back on track with my training even with this monkey wrench mucking up the works.... 

Huh, that's new...

So, I'm sure that some of you lifelong jocks out there are going to laugh at what I'm about to write; but as someone who has only dabbled in fitness for the majority of my life - I'm sort  new at this whole athlete/side effects of being an athlete thing.  Oh sure, skating has taught me some lessons about blisters and weird growths on ankles and the fact that I reek to high heaven when I'm done working out; but once I started running longer distances a whole new world of pain opened up to me... First was the chafing of the chick-bits; which was so disconcerting that I didn't even know how or who to ask about it. I Googled it, found out I was NOT alone in that particular brand of pain; and found some solutions to fix it. So far so good. I have learned that I'm a snug fitting spandex girl and not a loose fitting running shorts girl: and that is okay. The less the material moves around the better off I am. So, on to my latest lesson in being athletic:

First of all, I'm generally very good about my after workout hygiene. I am one of those people who sweats a LOT - so I really kind of have to be. I do my gym workout after I get off work; so when I'm done I wipe down with some body wipes and change into clean dry clothes. Then as soon as I get home I hit the shower. Same with after skating and my long outdoor runs. I usually don't have a choice because as soon as I walk in the door my husband's face crinkles up like a prune and he points to the bathroom. Okay okaaaay, I get it: I am foul and nasty and I stink. But last Tuesday I was in a hurry, and drove home with my wet sports bra plastered against my chest. Then on Wednesday I ran 5 miles and when I got home my dog was begging for a walk. Instead of showering first; I just grabbed his leash and we went for a 20 minute walk - again, soaking wet sports bra plastered to my chest. I showered as soon as I got home but the damage had already been done, my chest was covered in these little bumps that itched like SATAN. At first I thought it was a breakout of zits; but zits don't itch... So again, I randomly Googled 'sweat rash' and lo and behold, that is a real thing. A real, annoying, painfully ITCHY thing. And it's kind of gross and extremely nasty - and it's my own fault...

So. What have we learned from this latest fiasco?

1. - Change out of wet workout clothes ASAP - no matter what. No access to a shower right away; then wet wipe the sweat away and put dry, clean clothes on.
2. - Do NOT wear the same sports bra more than once. I have a couple that I really like and I had it in my head that I could get at least 2 workouts out of each one. No more. Once and then into the laundry they go!!
3. - Make sure the sports bras are fitting correctly and not riding up or shifting around during a run.
4. - Now that the rash is here, all I can do is treat it by keeping it clean w/ anti bacterial cleanser. An anti itch spray seems to be helping too.
5. - I'm currently using a non-scented detergent; but then I use a scented fabric softener and scented dryer sheets. I think this might also be contributing. So I'm going to switch to unscented dryer sheets and no fabric softener and see if that helps.

I read that some people even get that sweat rash down south. NOO THANKS. I'm all about prevention now. *shudder*

I'm learning as I go... I guess next up is what, athletes foot? Butt crack chafing?? What else am I in for? I just hope I get it all tackled and straight before the half. I so do not want to run 13 miles with butt crack chafing....

The Spring Fever 10K Run

I ran my first 10K race this past weekend. Yes, I have run 6.2 miles before while training, so it wasn't my first time going that distance. But running a race is so different from training. There is something so magical about driving up early in the morning, seeing runners milling around, pinning bibs to their shirts; it makes me feel really excited. Like I'm about to be a part of something big. 

This was a pretty small event; there were 5K, 10K and half marathon distances. There were 81 runners in the 10K wave. I lined up kind of close to the front - trust me, I had no illusions of staying up there, I would just rather be passed than have to pass. I had that familiar mix of butterflies and jitters in my belly - I love that feeling! We lined up about 30 minutes after the half marathon runners left and before I knew it, it was our turn to start.

I have two GPS tracking devices on me - on my phone I have Endomondo, and I also wear a MOTOACTV on my wrist. I like them both so often run with both. My MOTOACTV has an mp3 player too; so I can listen to music. Now that I'm actually interested in keeping tabs on my pace, the MOTOACTV is perfect. My Endomondo is also great because my friends who also have the app can watch me live and send me pep talks. I have made a ton of friends through the Endomondo community and they have all been so supportive and inspiring; I will never give up my Endomondo. So with both devices on and tracking, I took off running. (that's me in the bright orange shirt!!)

I got passed. A lot. But I kept peeking down at my pace and I was going pretty fast for me - staying pretty consistently around 8.5 - 9 min/mile. (Keep in mind, a month ago my average was 11 min/mile.) I had a moment of worry that I was starting out too fast and would run out of steam too soon; but I felt good. I decided to just go with it. I continued to get passed but eventually two runners got in front of me who were going at a comfortable pace, so I started pacing them.

At about 3 miles in, we hit the first big hill. I slowed down considerably and my pacers left me behind. I had to walk a little. I started feeling tired. I kept going... I ate a GU, which kicked in right about the time we hit the top of the hill and started down; and when one of my favorite running songs started playing, I just took off down the side of that hill! I let gravity and exhilaration pull me. It was my turn to pass people. I felt like I had my second wind! I ran my fastest mile ever - 8:47. (I know, I know, I was going downhill but let me bask a little bit in that number...) 

The hill leveled out and I had 2 miles left to go. A couple more little hills but I sprinted them, I was feeling pretty strong still - and very surprised at this. We ran through a tunnel, then around a corner and the finish line was in view. I started to sprint... and then wind hit me full in the face like a mac truck... Yeah, no sprinting... I seriously had to make myself keep running because I couldn't imagine walking across the finish line! (even though I really wanted to, that wind was nuts!) The wind was so strong it blew down the finish line banner and most of the tents. All I know is that it mucked up the finish I had in mind. I almost thought I could do it in under an hour. I came in at 1:01:30. This was STILL 6 minutes faster than my best 10K time so I was extremely happy with it!!!

After the run, I hung out with my dad and my husband for the raffle and the awards ceremony; they had some really nice prizes that they were raffling off so I wanted to stick around for that. In between handing out prizes, they were announcing the top 3 winners from each age group. When they got to the top 3 women runners in age group 40-49, for third place they called my name. I could not believe it. I actually placed? And I placed 3rd out of 15 in my age group?? Wow! Go me! I felt pretty proud of myself!! Overall, I was 39/81 and 17/49 females. (I also won a pretty sweet water bottle in the raffle, so it was a mighty fine day!)

Of course at this point in my training I'm still working on endurance, and more recently I've been trying to build up my speed. Winning anything at this point hadn't even entered my mind! I'm still a total newbie. So this was a very pleasant surprise, and I felt really excited about it! I am enjoying being a part of the running community. Just like with the skating community, I get a certain sense of pride when I feel like I can consider myself to be 'one of them'. 

I am the epitome of a late bloomer. I didn't even start becoming an athlete until I hit 40. I think a lot of it has to do with the mental aspect of it, being able to push past the moments of thinking I can't do something to get to the point of saying I did it. Because I have complete confidence that I can - and when I was younger I was plagued with too much self doubt and insecurity. I no longer feel self conscious about how my ass looks in spandex; I just don't care. All I care about is that it doesn't chafe while I'm running. It's all mental. I am just grateful that so far body has responded to everything my mind has been telling it to do. I still feel like there is so much ahead for me; I feel like there isn't anything I can't do.

7 more weeks until my half marathon - I feel like I am going to be more than ready for it. I'm very, very excited. My friend Suzanne gave me a sticker that says "I <3 13.2" and she told me I have to earn it; so until I do it's sitting on my dresser. I actually cannot wait for the moment I can put that little sticker on the back window of my truck. Nothing worth having comes without earning it!!