Going through hell

This is going to be a really hard blog for me to write. I like being a positive, upbeat person. I love life, I love living out loud - feeling like I'm out there participating. I have a tendency to hide any sign of weakness (perceived or real) behind a smile and a positive attitude because I don't want to be a downer. I like to feel strong, energized, and involved; I enjoy living life to the fullest.  

But I'm not right now. I feel broken. I feel frustrated. I feel sick. Even with the diagnosis of Gastroparesis - I know there is something else going on. I have not met one other person with GP who has constant shortness of breath or feeling easily winded ALL THE TIME. Some of them get it after a meal if they're bloated - I have it all the time. I get winded just walking up a flight of stairs. Two months ago I was running 8-12 miles at a time. How is this possible?? If it were just the stomach stuff, I would be coping just fine, I'm eating pretty good, adjusting to the new diet and not having too many issues on that side; the acid reflux, some abdominal pain, and feeling overly full for about an hour after I eat. 

But the shortness of breath... It triggers panic attacks. I've had a lot of people tell me that anxiety causes shortness of breath, you have to slow down your breathing; etc. DUH. I know this. I've had panic attacks in the past, but my breathing issues came BEFORE the anxiety. Looking back through journals I found where I wrote about several instances of feeling like I couldn't catch my breath hours after finishing a run. I recall in particular one 10 mile run way back on June 22nd, I was in the shower and felt like I just could not get enough air. No anxiety, no panic - just sort of a 'huh, that's weird' kind of thing. I noticed when I bent over a little, it was easier to breathe. This was hours after my run. Then, after my half marathon on June 29th, I experienced the same thing. I could not catch my breath after the run. I had to walk around for about 20 minutes and my heart rate was accelerated the entire time. My chest hurt, and I felt like I could not get enough air. I also have a pain in my back on the right side, in the middle of my shoulder blade. This comes and goes. The panic attacks didn't start until after my run on July 13th.... 

Anxiety and panic attacks are like a rash. For people who get them - you'll know what I mean. For those of you who don't - I will try to explain. Like a rash, it starts small. After my run on July 13th, I felt overly full and short of breath after a meal. This made me feel anxious - for the first time, I felt really panicked. I took some medication for it. But that was the start of the rash. I scratched it, so it began to grow. Soon I was experiencing anxiety around every meal, worried I would have a panic attack - scratch scratch scratch - before I knew it; I was having panic attacks out of the blue, not triggered by anything in particular. I had one while getting my hair done. I've had 2 while driving; and several as the passenger in the car. Yesterday morning I had the worst one yet; all I did was get out of bed and walk downstairs. Panic attacks are very uncomfortable, they make you want to avoid the things that seem to cause them. For this reason, I am currently feeling extremely agoraphobic. I won't drive. I only go somewhere if I have to and someone has to drive me AND I have to be doped up on Xanax. I have found that I breathe a bit easier when I'm semi-reclined, so guess where I spend most of my time...  

I've had a whole bunch of tests done. Lung tests came back normal. Hormones came back low, doc thinks I might be starting menopause (I had a hysterectomy in 2009 - keeping one ovary. So I lack the conventional sign of impending menopause.) I have a few symptoms and maybe this is also contributing a little to the anxiety and the depression. I'm scheduled to discuss 'options' later this month. I'm also set up for a stress test for my heart. I've had a couple of EKGs come back with abnormalities but the doctor didn't think they were note-worthy. I had a CT scan in the ER and they also noted a heart abnormality that they didn't think was serious but was worth investigating. My heart rate always got up into the higher zones and stayed there whenever I exercised; and took a long time to come back down. So who knows. 

All I know is that I'm tired of this. I feel super fatigued. I'm in pain (lower back and across my front, right under the ribs.) I'm angry; I'm scared. I'm frustrated with my GI doctor (who can't seem to make the time to call me to answer some questions I have...) My primary care physician has been wonderful - answering my emails, getting me in on short notice; listening to me and making me feel like he genuinely cares about me. 

I was unable to run the AIDS Walk, but even worse was that I couldn't even walk it. I didn't even want to GO. But I doped myself up on Xanax, and my dad took me so I could turn in my money and at least feel like I was involved. I had a nasty panic attack on the way home - it's the first time my dad has witnessed one. I think it scared him. My dad has been amazing, even if he doesn't understand. He called me when I was having a melt down and my husband was out of town; and he came over just to sit with me. I never wanted him to see me that way - but I needed him. He's been an amazing source of comfort and security - I was having another hard time this weekend and he held me and cried with me. I don't know what I would do without him - especially when my husband has to travel.

I don't want pity. I don't want advice. I'm just venting. I KNOW this is temporary. I know it is. I know I'll get through it, and that I'll adapt to whatever modifications need be made to my life. I'm a fighter. I'm a survivor and I will get through this.I just wanted to share because when I'm feeling the way I do now, I do an internet search, and I find blogs like this one - and when I read them I suddenly feel not so alone. And that helps. I'm not alone. Sure, I have moments of utter hopeless despair, where I wonder if this is it - if this is how it's going to stay; but those moments pass. I am going through hell right now. But I've been here before. I know the drill. And I will get through it.

My diagnosis - and an uncertain future

I went in for a gastric emptying test this past Monday. Basically I ate a meal consisting of scrambled eggs and 1 1/2 slices of toast; the eggs contained a radioactive tracer. As soon as I was done eating, they put me in a scanner that scanned the food in my stomach - I stood there for a minute, then headed to the waiting room for an hour. They scanned me every hour for 2 hours, then I had a 2 hour break before coming back for my final scan. The purpose of the test is to find out how long it takes for food to move from your stomach to your small intestine. At 2 hours, I was at 63% contained (normal is 60%) and at 4 hours I was at 20% contained (normal is 10%). Basically, I still had more food in my stomach than normal. This confirms a diagnosis of Gastroparesis - I was told that mine is 'mild'. 

My particular symptoms are acid reflux, feeling overly full after only a few bites of a meal, shortness of breath, loss of appetite, and abdominal pain and bloating. In the past, I've had flare ups of these symptoms that usually lasted a few days to a couple of weeks, then things calmed back down and life resumed. I'm over a month out since the first sign of this flare up and still no sign of things calming down yet.

There can be a couple of causes for my particular case - I have hypothyroidism and I also have had 2 abdominal surgeries where the vagus nerve could have been damaged. Either way, my digestive system is sluggish. I was put on the drug Domperidone (a motility drug to help speed up the contractions in my stomach) in addition to taking 60 mg of Dexilant (for acid reflux) in the morning and 300 mg of Zantac at night to help control the nighttime acid reflux. (It's been pretty horrible this past week for some reason. I wake up feeling like I'm having a heart attack.) I've also added a probiotic and now have to eat a special diet that consists of some seriously bland food. 

The other thing I'm dealing with is the panic cycle that was set off with the shortness of breath. It has gotten so bad that I can't even drive without having a panic attack. I take Xanax every day. I'm still afraid to try to drive - I can't even imagine skating, the memory of having a panic attack right there on the bike trail is still too fresh in my mind. I doubt if I'll be doing any more skating this year. I'm also severely depressed; and understandably so. Been here before - I know the way through this is time. It just takes time.

I am trying to process what this all means as far as my future as an athlete. The fact that I'm still so new at even BEING an athlete makes this feel even more unfair. I have a theory as to why this flared up when it did and to the extent that it did - everything started once I started training really hard for my first half marathon. I honestly believe that the increase in the intensity of my physical activity is what triggered this. During intense exercise, blood is shunted away from the internal organs to focus on oxygenating the muscles - causing the guts to slow down. In a normal person, this is temporary. For someone with an already slowed down system - it can be pretty devastating. The harder I pushed myself to run, the farther I pushed, the faster I went - the worse my symptoms got.  

So - what does this mean for my future? I'm fairly certain that I won't be running any more half marathons. My bucket list was to do at least one; I did two - so I am okay with this. My HOPE is that I can continue to run, going slower to keep my heart rate down and not going as far so that the stress on my guts won't be as intense or prolonged. As far as skating - well, I don't know yet. Probably the same thing. Not pushing as hard or going as far or as fast to keep my heart rate down. If I race next year, I will be in the rec group skating slow - I hope I can still do full marathons, if not- I'll drop down to the half. As long as I can still skate and run, I'll do whatever I have to do to keep my symptoms in check. But that comes later. I've tried to do a Google search to find athletes coping with Gastroparesis; and only found ONE person. And she's a power lifter. I could not find any runners or endurance athletes. Disheartening. I don't know what to expect.

I do know that my season is over. I won't be skating Northshore. I won't be running the Rock n Roll half marathon. My focus now is getting my body back in balance, and getting my life back to normal. My energy level is pathetic. I'm in pain. I'm depressed. I'm taking in maybe 800 - 1000 calories a day, if even that. I'm really hoping to get to a point where I can start eating normal food instead of pudding, and eggs, and peanut butter, and fruit cups - I feel like my diet is that of an elementary school student!! I miss salads..............

I hope I am open to whatever comes next. Right now I just don't know what that is yet.

The Saber Tooth Tiger

I finally got in to see the GI doctor yesterday, it was kind of what I expected. A lot of questions and a few theories - then a succession of tests will begin. My first test will be a gastric emptying test next Monday to confirm Gastroparesis, and it sounds super fun! First, you eat a plate of radioactive eggs. Then they x-ray your belly every hour for 4 hours to see how long it takes those eggs to get out of your stomach. The slower it takes, the more fucked you are. I am hoping it doesn't take long. In the meantime, I'm on the Gastroparesis level 2 diet which equates to eating absolutely NOTHING delicious. It's all bland crap you would feed a toddler. (Fruit cups, white bread, pudding, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...) This diet goes against EVERYTHING I feel I need to eat to maintain my fitness level. No lean meats, no raw fruits or vegetables; no whole grains. I am really hoping my test results come back with mild GP and I can go back to eating the way I want to eat. I feel VERY unhealthy living off of pudding, bagels, and eggs.

The doctor also believes that the shortness of breath is being caused by inflammation. Essentially my small intestine is incredibly pissed off, so it's inflamed and pressing on my diaphragm. Since it hurts to breathe deep, I take shallow breaths without even realizing it. This in turn triggers anxiety. Shortness of breath causes anxiety, not the other way around. No amount of head shrinking will fix this - for those of you who suggested I see a counselor. my BOWELS need a shrink. Not me! For the time being, I'm on a probiotic. Another test will check to see if we need to re-set the bacteria in my intestines and start all over. The hope is that the bland diet and probiotic will calm things back down so I can breathe normally and kick the Xanax. If not then it's a round of antibiotics to re-set everything.

So then I asked the question I've been dreading. Since it seems like all of this really started to get bad once I started running the longer distances; will I still be able to run? He then regaled me with a story about how when we're running, our brains don't realize that we're running for fun or fitness; they think that we're being chased by a saber tooth tiger. So all blood is shuttled to the muscles to give them the oxygen needed to get away from the tiger, since if we get caught it doesn't really matter if there is food trying to digest in our stomachs. For most people, the digestive system gets back to normal within a few hours or days - but since my digestive tract is slow to begin with; mine doesn't. He didn't really answer my question. My hope is that if I do have Gastroparesis severe enough to require medication that it will also help my guts get back to normal when I'm done running from the tiger. I love running from the tiger... I cannot imagine a life where I'm not being chased by a damn tiger!

The weird thing is that my appetite is coming back, and I am able to eat foods that are not on the GP diet without any issues - like salads and chicken. That part of my body feels just about back to normal. The thing that doesn't is the pressure and pain against my diaphragm. So who knows. It's a stupid waiting game. My doctor adjusted my thyroid medication (dropped the dose) so until I adjust to that I feel groggy and fatigued. My guess is that the test next Monday will show a mild emptying issue - and then I'll be back to square one.

My spirits are good though. I have moments of despair and feeling hopeless but they do not last. I will get through this and I will get my life back. I've been through worse...

Sand Creek

After my run on Wednesday, I decided to drop down from the half marathon to the 10k. For some reason I was really bummed about this. That is the incorrect emotion. The correct emotion should be pride = pride that I a.) listened to my body; and  b.) still decided to participate rather than scrap it altogether. My goal for this particular race was to finish it in under an hour. I came in at 58:28 so I am very happy with that! Pre-race I did not eat anything, instead I drank a bottle of coconut water during the drive. I ran with 2 10 oz bottles of water with 1 1/2 tablets of Nuun dissolved in them (I only finished one bottle). I also had one packet of GU prior to the run and brought one with me; which I did not use. I felt great during the run, aside from a couple of vile acid burps... gawd... After the run I drank 32 oz of room temperature water mixed with 1 1/2 scoops of Max Muscle ARM recovery drink. I did not have any stomach cramps, headaches, dizziness or shortness of breath. When I got home I ate 3 scrambled eggs and 2 slices of whole grain toast - I didn't have any problem eating and so far I feel fine! (This is major - lately I haven't been able to eat very much and have been relying on a lot of protein shakes for nutrition. Gag.) I've come to dread meal time so any time I can eat a full meal without incident is a major win.

So... What comes next? Well, I have an appointment with the GI doc and one with a sports nutritionist next month. In reviewing my journals, I see a pattern of gastroparesis symptoms flaring up with super intense exercise. (With both skating and running.) My guess is that both doctors will probably tell me to lay off anything that causes these symptoms - and after a few weeks of absolute agony - I will be more than happy to comply. I have done a great deal of research so I understand what happens in my body to cause this and acknowledge that I am one of the unlucky people who doesn't bounce back from it right away. (During intense exercise, blood is shunted away from internal organs to focus on fueling muscles with oxygen. This can cause internal organs to slow down - gastroparesis; slow emptying stomach.) Generally my internal workings balance back out after a few weeks of moderate to zero exercise.

 So what does this mean? For me it just means redefining my goals and what I expect from myself. I had a goal at the beginning of the year to run a half marathon. I've done that. I've actually done 2 and am registered for one more in October (so far I am planning on running it). But it will probably be my last half.

I love running, but what running IS is different for everyone. I'm not built for distance or endurance; I know that now.  But I will still run. I love running, I love races, I will continue to participate in them; I just need to set my maximum distance at 10 miles instead of 13.1. I can still bounce back from a 10 mile run without too much discomfort. The 10k is my favorite distance though; it's just enough to max out and still feel like I did something without causing negative symptoms to flare up.

Now it's time for me to focus on skating. Skating is not nearly as hard on my body as running is and it takes a LOT more of it to induce the gastroparesis symptoms. When I start training hard for the marathons and am skating 50 - 75+ miles a week, that's usually what does it. But I don't have a full marathon until September. So I can cut back a little and work on getting my half marathon a bit faster since I'm doing the duathlon on Aug 3rd. My schedule will be to skate 3x per week (15 - 20 miles at a time) run 3x per week (3-4 miles 2x per week w/ a max distance of 8 miles for the Saturday long run) and lift weights 2x per week. My other priority is to get my nutrition under control and hopefully my body will balance back out.

As far as fitness goes - my intentions have always been about testing boundaries. Seeing how far I could go before I hit my limits; and respecting them once I did. I want to be healthy ALL over, not just my muscles but my internal organs as well. So I am okay with modifying what I do to make sure I achieve that. I feel great about what I have accomplished and hope that I will find more challenges in the future that won't upset my stomach...

Frustration, Hesitation; Determination

I am frustrated. Depressed. Confused. But also determined not to quit or give up. For my entire life my motto has been 'when the going gets tough; I'm outta here'. Quitting is easy. Sticking something out even when it feels completely hopeless takes a great deal of strength... And some measure of insanity I'm sure.

I've been spending a lot of time reading up on gastroparesis - what causes it, what triggers flare-ups; how to manage it. I've also been reading forums and that is a huge mistake. I learned back in the early days of my bipolar diagnosis that there are some people who sit back and wallow in a diagnosis rather than find ways to combat it. (It IS easier to give up and quit you know.) I read a lot of depressing stuff and had to make myself focus on the posts from folks like me. People who are not content to sit back and play the victim or be defined by a "lazy stomach" and all of the crap that goes along with it. I mean seriously, who would? Just like with the bipolar, I want to find a way to co-exist since this is a chronic issue with no cure. 

But I have been really depressed. I went for a skate on Monday, and I felt pretty good! But then yesterday I had a rough day of feeling bloated and overly full; unable to eat anything of substance. So I wallowed. I allowed myself to take on the weight of my distress and it about crushed me. This morning started out the same way, I really wanted to just go back to bed but the optimistic part of me was far more determined than the depressed part of me - I made myself lace up and go run. I haven't been on a run since the 4th of July 5k; and I haven't been on a long run since the Castle Rock half marathon (June 29th). I left my MOTOACTV watch at home because I didn't want to focus on distance or pace - I was going to focus on how my body felt and run accordingly.

I did my nutrition/hydration different today too; I ate one GU prior to running; no solid food (I usually eat a bagel or some oatmeal). I ran with 1 1/2 tabs of Nuun in 20 oz of water. I ate another GU at 45 minutes. I finished all of the water just as my run was completed. (I ran a very slow 7.25 miles; took me an hour and a half.) When I got home I drank one scoop of Max Muscle ARM recovery drink mixed with 12 oz of room temperature water. During my run I had some minor stomach cramps about 3.5 miles in, a few really rank acid burps, and shortness of breath. I walked a lot to get my breathing back under control and that helped. The temps ranged from 73 degrees when I started to 80 degrees when I finished. I was soaked in sweat. 

As of right now, I feel pretty good. Having a little reflux and feel a bit short of breath; but my stomach is calm. No cramps, no bloating. I really do like the Max Muscle ARM recovery drink - once I acclimated to the flavor anyway. (I drink the lemon lime one) It doesn't upset my stomach at all. I was drinking chocolate milk as a recovery drink but the dairy caused bloating and that is something I need to avoid. I think I'm going to continue to use the Max Muscle. I'm getting some water in me then I'll hit the shower.

I'm still not sure about Saturday. I was thinking of dropping down to the 10k because I know I can comfortably do 6.2 miles. But the website is saying that as of 7/8 they are not allowing anyone to switch distances. I honestly don't know if I could manage a half marathon right now, my stomach is still not back to normal and I am having a really hard time getting enough calories every day. I bought some Ensure but man, that shit is NASTY. There has GOT to be a better alternative to that!!! I'll mix my own vitamin smoothies rather than drink another bottle of that stuff. Gag!

My doctor wants to check my thyroid levels again to see if a med adjustment is in order; I'm anxious for my appointment with the sports nutritionist but that isn't until August 10th. I was happy to read that her specialty is actually sports performance nutrition. I hope that she can help me. I have not made an appointment with the GI doc, I was thinking that there isn't really anything she can do,but maybe going in and talking with her wouldn't be a bad idea... Couldn't hurt anyway. So I may still do that. I just want to get back to feeling strong and healthy and kick ass. Right now I do not. 

Dietary Desperation and Dilemmas....

I apologize in advance if I sound like a bit whiny - and you can stop reading if you choose. But I really need to vent my frustration, and this is the only place I really have in which to do so. Right now I feel like I'm caught up in a vicious cycle in regards to my stupid digestive malfunctions and my need for calories to fuel my workouts.

The medical term for what I suffer from is Gastroparesis - basically my stomach [for whatever reason] is lazy and takes its own sweet time dumping my food into my small intestine. I've had 2 endoscopies so far, both times this was the diagnosis. I also have a small hiatal hernia and excess bile in my gut... When I eat, the food just sits there in my stomach fermenting; making me feel overly full for hours. I feel bloated, nauseous, short of breath, and have acid reflux from hell. I have absolutely no appetite and when I do eat, I get anything from half a meal to about 3 fork fulls in me before I feel stuffed. Then it's hours of feeling overly full and uncomfortable; sometimes I feel panicked and have to take Xanax to calm myself down... It really fucking sucks.

The weird thing is that it's not always like this, I have periods of time where I feel fine, I can eat normally and I forget about it. I'm not sure what triggers a flair up but when it does, it makes me feel miserable, desperate, anxious and depressed. I'm right in the middle of a pretty bad bout of it right now, and it's beginning to take a toll on me. I'm extremely depressed and I'm also starting to lose weight rapidly - and for those of you who say 'I wish I had that problem' consider yourselves SMACKED. This is NOT healthy weight loss - and besides, losing weight is not my motivation nor my reason for exercising as hard as I do. I NEED to eat. I want to eat. I just can't.

I've been doing some reading because up until now my doctors have been pretty vague about what I need to do to manage this condition. (Of course, there is no cure - no surgery and no real medications to help.) I have medications for the reflux, but the reflux is a symptom. (Apparently from what I've read; so is gastroparesis.) One of the causes of it is hypothyroidism - which I also have. The last time I had my blood checked, all of my thyroid numbers were a bit high. Now I'm wondering if that means my doctor should maybe adjust my medication. I guess I assumed he would have said something, but it looks like I actually have to ask him. Maybe between my primary care physician, my gastroenterology doctor and a nutritionist I'll get some kind of a solution..? I feel SO desperate for relief!! I really hope it doesn't come down to relying on the gastroparesis diet because basically that is canned fruits and vegetables, white bread, cream of wheat, peanut butter, eggs... NO raw fruits or vegetables, no whole grains... You get the idea... Awful.

I feel betrayed by my body. In all other aspects I'm really healthy. My heart, my muscles, my lungs - I feel strong and able. I cannot believe that I'm being set back by a lazy stomach... I'm going to try drinking some meal replacement shakes of some kind and see if that helps because I need to get back to exercising. That would help with the depression. I have a call in to my gastro doc; hoping she can talk to me soon. My appointment with the nutritionist isn't until August. I have one week until my next half marathon and at this particular point in time I seriously doubt I'll be able to do it... And THAT really fucking sucks. 

With a tweak tweak here and a tweak tweak there....

I had an overwhelming response to my last blog, and I thank everyone who offered their insight, advice, and shared their own experiences. It made me feel a whole lot better to know I wasn't alone. 

My friend Rick (who is a personal trainer, inline skater, runner, and cyclist) gave me some really great nutrition advice for the day prior to the race, the day of, and afterwards. (I do have an appointment with a sports nutritionist, but it isn't for another month and I needed help NOW.) Rick gave me some basic changes to make to my diet in general, to tighten it up and make it more beneficial. Of course, I have always known that I need to eat more vegetables; and I'm worse than a 7 year old when it comes to that - but somehow, someway; I need to get those icky things into my body... . With Rick's help I was able to create a plan that I sincerely hope will help me get through my next half marathon. I intend to test part of it out on my training run tomorrow - I have 8-10 miles on the docket.

As of right now, I am planning on running the Sand Creek half marathon next Saturday. I won't lie, I'm terrified. I don't want to go through the same after race experience. I'm putting a great deal of trust in the before/during/after nutrition plan because I don't want to give up so easily. I have a feeling that if I can just get THAT straightened out then I'll be fine. My muscles felt awesome the day after Castle Rock; I had some minor stiffness, but it all felt normal! The machine is holding out and getting stronger, it all comes down to the fuel I put in it.

My friend Neil pointed out a few things to me as well - one being that I'm just not taking in nearly enough calories per day in general to support my activity level. I guess I still don't have it in my brain that I'm an athlete - an endurance athlete - and I need to EAT. I average maybe 1300 - 1600 calories per day. On a day where I burn 1000 - 1400+ calories either skating or running; that's just not going to cut it! Bottom line is that I need to eat more, and I need to make sure those calories are quality. I've been on a quest to clean up my diet for a while now anyway; cutting down on the overly processed foods as much as possible; staying away from greasy nasty stuff, and really, really trying to cut down on sugar. I'm also cutting down on dairy - all except for the Greek yogurt and some cheese. (I love chocolate milk, it'll be hard to find an alternative to that - the almond milk is close, but soy milk is nasty!) I need to keep it basic. Lean meats, vegetables, some fruit, and whole grains. So much easier said than done. But the good news is that by gradually eliminating things from my diet instead of doing the whole cold turkey thing has lessened the shock to my system. I lose a taste for it and get to the point where I don't even have to think about avoiding it. It's not perfect - every once in a while I just have to have a cheeseburger with bacon, a ton of french fries and a milk shake. But this is a very rare thing. A treat. So I indulge once in a while. I think that's okay. But the day to day diet needs to be cleaned up.

Neil also suggested I start taking 300 mg of Zantac at night in addition to the 60 mg of Dexilant I take in the morning (for the acid reflux). I've been doing this for only 2 days now and have already noticed a difference. The acid reflux symptoms for me are not like what you would typically think of when you think of 'heartburn'. I don't usually get that pain in the middle of the chest (like you swallowed a Jolly Rancher whole and it's stuck) - what I get is a sensation of being overly full; like I ate too much. I feel bloated and short of breath. Sometimes this feeling makes me feel anxious - which only compounds the problem. I also get acid up into my throat and sinuses; giving me a sore throat, burning tongue, and ear/sinus issues. (Yes we have the bed up on blocks; no it doesn't seem to make a difference.) The last thing I want to do when I feel like this is eat or exert myself with exercise. It's like a vicious cycle. Since my problem is motility (food not getting out of there fast enough) avoiding certain foods doesn't always make a difference - ANY food can trigger it. I've noticed that certain dairy products (like ice cream) make it worse. The one thing that doesn't seem to exacerbate it is salad. Which is kind of weird.

But anyway... So the race nutrition plan goes a little something like this -- day before the race, breakfast will be egg whites and whole grain toast or bagel. Lunch will be lean protein and quinoa. Protein drink or bar as a snack. Dinner will be some type of whole grain pasta w/o red sauce. I'll be hydrating as much as possible as well - no fruits or vegetables (too much fiber.) The morning of the race, I will try to take in about 3-5 gel packs instead of eating any food. (Rick pointed out that during the race I need the blood in my body focused on oxygenating my muscles; not trying to digest the bagel I ate just an hour ago...) Never thought of it that way... Drink water at the water stops and take 2 gels with me - only take them if I feel like I need them. After the race, sip on a very weak replacement drink to gradually get electrolytes back in my body. (Gatorade is OUT - I still need to choose which replacement drink I'm going to go with.) I also need to drink room temperature water rather than cold water so it absorbs quicker. Eat some real food about an hour or so after the run. I'm guessing pancakes are not the best choice so I'm going to opt for something like a turkey sandwich. 

If this works and I actually feel like a healthy human being the following day - I shall celebrate with a slice of well earned pie. I sincerely hope my Sand Creek recap is a very positive one. Wish me luck!!

Revelations

This is going to be kind of hard for me to write; but I think once it's out there I'll feel better. I'm trying really hard not to feel embarrassed or like a failure; but sometimes things are just what they are and you have no choice but to accept them. 

After I ran the Colfax half marathon; I had a really rough couple of days. About an hour after the race, I was dizzy, disoriented, fatigued and nauseated. I pretty much felt like I had the flu. This lasted for about 2 days. During that time I tried to eat healthy and focus on hydration. I figured it was an electrolyte imbalance due to me not adequately replenishing my electrolytes during and after the race. (Even though I thought I had.) It was pretty miserable but it passed and I forgot about it.

Right after that, I started adding Gatorade to my training since it seems like that is what is offered at the water stops during the races. I would alternate between drinking Gatorade and coconut water as I ran; and followed a long run with plenty of water and some type of protein/carb recovery drink. 

After the Garden of the Gods 10 mile run, I felt pretty good. I pounded the water/Gatorade that they had afterwards. I still spent the remainder of the day feeling a bit fatigued and off - but not nearly as bad as Colfax. 

I ran my second half marathon yesterday, and it was a tough one. Very tough. I tried to make sure I hydrated prior to the race and during. I alternated between coconut water and Gatorade; and I drank water at the water stops. Once I finished the race, I had a moment where I felt like I could not catch my breath and it made me panic. So I had my dad walk me to my truck to grab the fluids I brought with me. My heart rate was ridiculous and I felt like I couldn't breathe. This calmed down a bit by the time we got to my truck. I drank 1/2 of a bottle of Naked juice protein smoothie, and grabbed a bottle of Gatorade. I started drinking that. We walked around a bit, I stretched; then kept walking. I felt like I had to keep walking. When I stopped, I would feel lightheaded, and then my stomach cramped up. Horribly. It was so bad that I felt like I couldn't take a deep breath and THAT made me feel panicky. I had no idea what to do to fix it, or what I did wrong to cause it in the first place. I was completely dismayed. I took a Gas-X and kept drinking cold water. Eventually I felt okay enough to drive home and on the way home I alternated between drinking the cold water and the Gatorade. I felt okay when I got home and showered, but then all of a sudden I felt fatigued, my stomach was too upset to eat; and all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

Today I woke up feeling fine. Legs feel fine, overall I felt great. As soon as I ate breakfast - I started feeling off. So completely off that it made me start having an anxiety attack. (As I'm writing this I am finally calmed down due to 1/4 of a Xanax tablet.) 

I have really, really bad acid reflux. I know that this is part of what is causing my discomfort right now. Running aggravates it. My current medication is no longer working so I am going to have to figure something else out. I try really hard to eat the right kinds of foods but my reflux is actually caused by my stomach emptying too slow. I'm supposed to eat really small meals (not easy to do when you are athletic and need to eat.) I should be avoiding dairy too... So many foods I should be avoiding... Anyway... This is the 2nd time I've run a half marathon where I felt so completely horrible the next day that I'm questioning my sanity... 

And I've come up with the thought that maybe I'm just not built for the long distances. I run 5, 7, 9, sometimes even 10 miles without as difficult of a recovery afterwards. But this? This is making me question if it's worth it. Maybe I should stick to the shorter races and be okay with that?

It could be a hydration/electrolyte thing, I don't know how to fix it. I know Gatorade has a ton of sugar in it and I know there are other options, but I'm not sure that my misery is due entirely to not replenishing the electrolytes. I know I'm adequately hydrated - my pee after a race is just the right color. I think that the jarring of the running is aggravating my guts a little too much. I have a small ounce of hope that finding the right type of electrolyte replacement solution might resolve this issue and I can keep going forward as planned. But if not..?

I'm fucking pissed about it. My joints, my hips, my muscles, my knees; my body is holding out just fine. I can't believe I'm going to be taken out by my stupid digestive system... But I honestly can't bear the cramping, or the bloating, or the panicked feeling I get when all of this stuff is happening. I don't think it's supposed to be that way. I'm going to make an appointment with my gastroenterology and see what she has to say. Maybe she can give me some tips or solutions that will help me continue to do the things I want to do. But a part of me has to be ready to accept the fact that the two half marathons I've run are the only two I'm going to get. 

Anyone else who has experienced any of these symptoms/situations - PLEASE let me know how you cope. I feel so discouraged and depressed right now. 

Ambitious? Or Addicted??

In January of this year, I decided I was going to run a half marathon. I had doubt - prior to that I'd only run 4 miles and was so not in love with running. But I do like to challenge myself, I like pushing [then breaking down] my boundaries so I can explore what lies beyond them. I cannot recall the exact moment that I fell in love with running, I just know that one day I began to look forward to running and hated when I missed a run.

So I trained hard, and lined up for my first half marathon; with a pounding heart but complete faith in my training. I didn't follow the plan to the letter, but I only missed one long run during the 12 week program. I ran, I felt good; and I did better than my expectations. The lesson I took from it actually didn't have anything to do with running at all - it had everything to do with post race hydration and nutrition. (I failed to adequately hydrate and had a rough couple of days after the race.)

I felt good enough to sign up for one more half; the Rock n Roll half on October 20th. I focused on skating, and did fairly well skating my first skate marathon of the season in Wisconsin. The week before that, I made the decision to run the Garden of the Gods 10 miler - I was actually more nervous about that one than my half!! But I ran strong, and I felt great; and I hydrated like a mad woman afterwards so I didn't have any issues like I did after Colfax. 

At this point I'm starting to feel a little more bold, and a little more confident. I signed up for the Sand Creek half marathon on July 13th, and the Highlands Ranch 4th of July 5k for fun. I picked up the training again at about the halfway point (8-9 mile Saturday long run) and set my focus on Sand Creek. I knew that some of my running pals had signed up for the Castle Rock half marathon but with it so close to Sand Creek, I pretty much ignored the conversations about it. Well, I tried to anyway. Castle Rock is on June 29th, which is just two weeks from Sand Creek. My training schedule had me running 11 miles on the 29th so the argument became 'what's two more miles?' So I went ahead and registered...

I had to tweak my training, this week became a taper week rather than a ramp up week. The mental aspect of it is what I'm struggling with most, I know it's not a matter of whether or not 'people' can run back to back half marathons, 'people' do it all the time. I know people who can do that back to back a day apart - not two weeks apart. But I'm not people - I'm me. I'm still discovering my boundaries and my limitations. I'm still pushing and testing. I'm still trying to get used to being a runner; I still don't consider myself to BE a runner. Not sure why? Maybe after this year is over and I look back over everything I intend to (and WILL) accomplish; maybe then it will sink in.

In the meantime, I am focused on my approach. These next two races won't be about time, or getting PB's, but more about endurance. Listening to my body. I plan on taking it fairly easy the two weeks between my races, concentrate on good nutrition and hydration - before and after. The good news is that aside from some aches and complaints in some muscles, I feel really healthy. Most of the naggy little aches in my legs fade around mile 5. My main concern is what I do afterwards to stay feeling healthy. I had some issues this past Tuesday, I ran 3.75 miles around lunch time (81 degrees) then spent an hour doing weight training; I ate lunch but something I ate was probably borderline bad because I got a really bad stomach ache. Instead of just taking it easy, I did ANOTHER run (3.3 miles in 90 degree heat) with my guts already upset! (That was by far and away the most uncomfortable run I've done yet...) I did not adequately hydrate with electrolytes like I usually do, and was sick all day yesterday. Awful! I have got to make sure to take care of myself during and after! The running sorts itself out - the nutrition is all on me.

This is shaping up to be a pretty big year as far as athletics go. After Sand Creek, I'll tone down the running and crank up the skating, I am doing a duathlon in Minnesota on August 3rd (skate a half, run a 5k) then it'll be total skate focus for the Northshore Inline Marathon on September 14th. I'll have 5 weeks from that to get ready for the Rock n Roll half!!! My plans for November and December are to do a few small races and focus on  maintaining conditioning through the winter!! All good stuff. 

Riding a Runner's High

I wasn't going to do any more running events between Colfax and Apostle - I swear I had every intention of throwing myself head first into skate training for Apostle while putting running on the back burner... But then when I saw a few of my brand new running friends signing up for a very challenging 10 mile run in Manitou Springs; I just couldn't resist. It's a week before Apostle, I'll be fine: and besides, according to my training schedule I was set to do a 10 mile run this weekend anyway... So why not make it a race?

Me with my new running friends! This is an amazing group of people!

I won't lie, I was apprehensive about this one - it was at a higher altitude and had a lot more hills than I'm used to. But I was more excited about challenging myself, any fear I had was overshadowed by my desire to get out and do something difficult. (Colfax was difficult, but it was also very flat!) I got up at 4:30 am to carpool down to Colorado Springs with some of my running friends, we got there in plenty of time - shook off the jitters and took off into the Garden of the Gods...

It was absolutely beautiful, the scenery was amazing. It was a perfect day - warm but not too hot; clear and sunny. I took my time for the first half because I told myself I would treat this as a training run. I had no time goals, no intention of pushing myself too hard... Hah. Yeah right. At mile 5 my competitive nature awoke and I started to push a little. I had no illusions of winning anything, I just wanted to see what I had in me. My first half split was 54:44, second half was 48:06. Finished in 1:41:40 and I was very happy with that!! Yes, the course has hard, but I was grinning the entire time because I was having a BLAST! At one point my friend Leanne ran along side me and asked me how I was feeling, and when I told her I was having fun this lady in front of us turned around and snarled "who said that??"... I did! I WAS having fun!!! She was not. I felt kind of sorry for her.

I know I probably sound like a broken record, or maybe I sound like I'm full of myself or bragging about my accomplishments but you have to know - it's not that. Not at all. I'm amazed at what I'm doing because I never saw it coming. The life long jocks may not get what us late to the game athletes feel when we hit milestones we've never hit before. Been there/done that folks who seem like they're just going through the motions - the ones who've forgotten that sense of awe and wonder each time a barrier is broken. I had a moment of pure exhilaration while running down a hill today - I just felt ALIVE. I almost started laughing! It was so awesome. I hope I never, ever become a been there/done that athlete because this feeling is just too priceless!

We did it!!!!

Once upon a time, I was one of those "I wish I could do that" kind of girls. 13 years ago, I was also about 50 lbs overweight, depressed, hopeless, and lost. I've come a long way, and along this journey I have found people who inspire and amaze me - people who motivate and impress me; not actors or sportos who get paid to play; but real life people. I just love to hear about people who overcome obstacles to become so much more than they were. I am one of those people. My greatest desire is that I, too, will inspire someone to do the same.

Me, in 2000...  I hate this fucking picture so much.... 

Next up for me? The Apostle Inline Marathon on June 15th - 26.2 miles of smooth pavement and beautiful scenery. I cannot wait!! I'm probably just going to treat it as a training skate..... ;)

Colfax Recap - I did it!

After making the decision to run a half marathon as one of my New Years Intentions, after tweaking my thinking as far as what to eat and how to train; and after 12 plus weeks of training; the day had finally arrived. I ate clean all week, I only ran once (Thursday - 3.75 miles) and the night before I maybe got 3 hours of sleep. I felt ready.

We had a 7 am start time; the full  marathon started at 6 - so we got down to City Park around 6. I was worried that we would not be able to find a decent place to park but we got lucky and found a spot about a block away. As soon as we got to the park, my nervous bladder and the butterflies in my stomach started up. The hour went by so fast - before I knew it, our corral was at the start line and heading out...

My goal was to stay at or around a 10 min/mile - I wanted to finish at or before 2:15. That is quite a difference from my original goal of 2:45, but it felt feasible. My friend Suzanne started with me, and she kept us on pace. I'm pretty good about not starting too fast (I usually can't anyway - my body doesn't warm up until somewhere between 3-5 miles!) The first mile went through the zoo, I guess some people didn't like it but I thought it was pretty cool. I saw a lot of animals and didn't smell any poo so I enjoyed it. We ran kind of slow through there but I was okay with it! It was actually my favorite part of the run. (I loved the pink flamingos!!)

Me and Suzanne coming out of the zoo!

After the zoo we headed east on a flat, tree lined street. We kept a good pace, we didn't really talk; and I waited for my body to settle into a rhythm. Another goal I had was to hit 6 miles in under an hour, and we did!! Around mile 5 I suddenly felt itchy to go a little faster. I had finally hit my 'sweet spot'. We made it to the halfway point in 1:02:40, at that point Suzanne told me to go ahead if I wanted to, and have a great race; so I cranked it up a bit!

The course was pretty level with just a few gradual inclines; so I never felt too exerted. Another part I enjoyed was when we ran through the open bay doors of the Aurora fire station, that was pretty cool. The spectators along the way cheering for us was awesome!! Around mile 11, I started feeling like I was ready to be done. I managed to maintain my pace but those last two miles were really hard. As we were about to come around the corner back into the park, my iPod started playing my favorite song (Bloc Party - Day Four) and that was just the shot I needed. I cranked it up and finished strong!! I felt like barfing and passing out when I was done - but I finished!!

Suzanne came in right behind me, it was awesome!!! We both had a good race!! My finish time was 2:05:14 - way better than I ever expected! I was super happy with that!!! After the run we caught up with some friends and enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment!

Suzanne, Kellie, Vince and me!!

All and all, it was an amazing experience! I am very proud of myself - this is something that I never could have imagined doing. 

It's amazing how much skating and running have shaped how I think. Before I got serious about either sport, I was inclined to give up on things if they became too difficult. But the struggle to get through that middle part is what really makes a challenge worthwhile. It teaches you what you are made of. It's easy to say "I'm going to do this" - but it's the commitment, and the invested hours, and the sore muscles, and the 'what the fuck am I doing??' moments, and the skipped treats in favor of vegetables, and the 'I can't, I need to train today', and then there is the moment of truth when you put all of those things into play and achieve victory. The moment of going from "I'm going to do it" to "I'm doing it" to "I did it!!!". The confidence you gain is priceless. My entire life has changed because of this. I feel like I can do just about anything I set my mind to, because I have learned how to work through that difficult middle part - the part between "I'm going to" to "I did". I've also learned that this middle part is actually the best part.

Next up for me is a couple of days of rest (I can hardly walk today!!!) - then I need to drop head first into skate training. My first race is in Wisconsin on June 15th (The Apostle Islands Inline Marathon - it's a good one!!) I will keep running, my plan is to continue to do the run/weights 2x per week with a long run on Saturday: running 3-4 miles on weight days and 6-8 on my long run days. I'll skate 3x per week as well: 2 short skates (12-15 miles) and 1 long skate (20+ miles). I should be ready for Apostle by June 15th. I don't have any races in July so I may do some smaller running events. August 3rd is my duathlon in St Paul (skate a half marathon, then run a 5k), September is the Northshore Inline Marathon (that's the big one) - then I have my sights set on running the Rock n Roll half in October. There is no reason why I cannot do both.

The P90X mantra is 'Decide. Commit. Succeed.' - I agree 100%.

Last Thoughts Before Colfax

Well, today was my last long run before my first half marathon. I ran 12 miles with my friend Suzanne. We took it easy but the last 2 miles were still pretty tough. I feel confident that I will accomplish my goals next week - the race course is fairly flat while all of my training runs (and all of the races I've run so far) have been relatively hilly. I don't regret any hills I've run - they are what will make me surpass my expectations of myself.

And I usually target those expectations pretty low too - because I hate being disappointed. When I signed up for the half, I was thinking that I would do it in 2:45; and I made my primary goal to 'finish without barfing or peeing on myself'. Um, yeah. I've changed that... In the 12 weeks that I've been training, I've learned a few things about myself. And one of those things is that I sadly underestimate what I am capable of. I did it when I ran the 10K, and I did it when I ran the 15K. So I set some goals for Colfax and if I don't reach them but DO manage to finish without barfing or peeing on myself - then it's still a total win.

For the longest time, I've been thinking of myself as an 11:30 min/mile girl. Usually when I train, I am around that time. But when I ran the 15K, I actually stayed around 10 min/mile pace - except when going up the stupid WTF hill of death. (You can click on the graphs below to make them bigger...)

Lap Times

Altitude 

And when I finished that run, I actually felt pretty good - like I still had some gas left in the tank. So this got me to thinking; could I FEASIBLY attempt to maintain a 10 min/mile average for the half? That would have me finishing way, way before my original goal time of 2:45.... I'm even thinking worse case scenario now would be 2:25. I'd be okay with that too!

Yeah, yeah I know; "for your first half you should just focus on finishing". But I am too damn goal oriented. Driven. If I don't have something to aim for, I get lazy. Just finishing is a noble goal for sure, it's plenty good enough - but I don't want 'good enough'. I want to push myself to see what I am truly capable of. Because I've never been one of those people who do. That's the plan, Suzanne is on board - we'll see what happens.

So now, I taper... Well, I do want to skate either tomorrow or Monday though; the weather is supposed to be too good to resist.... THEN I taper... I'll run a 5K on Tuesday, 2 miles at race pace on Wednesday; and a nice, easy 2 miles on Thursday - then nothing on Friday and Saturday. I'll have the runners expo, focusing on eating super clean all week and the traditional pre-race pasta feast on Saturday night. I'll probably barely sleep at all that night, and Sunday I'll be a nervous ball of excitement, fear, and jitters. It's going to be glorious. But no matter what happens - I will be super proud of myself; because a year ago I couldn't even run down the block.

A Visit With My Therapist

I have an uneasy truce with my bipolar disorder. For the most part; we cohabitate peacefully and without too much drama. So I was a bit put out when I got blindsided by a depressive wave yesterday - it came on from completely out of the blue. I was sitting at my desk, making plans for the evening; and I felt it wash over me like a cold chill. All aspirations fled my mind and suddenly I had absolutely no desire or energy to do anything. The gym felt like it was a million miles away; and the 5K pub run I was so looking forward to suddenly felt like a looming, daunting task. So I went home. And I sulked - because that's what I do. I become cranky, weepy, negativity-driven hermit girl. And I HATE IT. I went to bed at 9 and hoped I would sleep it off.

I didn't. I woke up with that all too familiar feeling of not wanting to interact with people, of just wanting to sleep all day... So I called in sick and began sulking. Because that's what I do... It was cold and overcast - and that just added to my mood... At one point I noticed the sun was shining. So before the negative thoughts could even begin to whisper through my mind; I laced up my shoes, put on my iPod - and I went running.

At first, my body and my soul were very unhappy with me. See, exercise isn't part of the routine, sulking is. So my shins ached and my soul complained and I ignored it all. I told myself, just do three miles. Just three miles. At least then I can say I did something. So I ran. I ran my favorite route because I know it and I love it. But when I reached the top of the hill where I usually go left; I noticed that across the street the trail continued on - and I felt enticed. So I crossed the street and I continued on. It was a beautiful dirt trail running through the back side of a blissfully quiet neighborhood - and I felt myself growing calm and peaceful.

Three miles came and went; and still I ran. The fragmented shards inside of me began falling back into place; the angry, negative edges softened and disappeared. I felt my heart beating, I heard my breathing, I felt my footfalls - rhythmic and soothing. I paid attention to the wind and the sky; I watched the clouds roll in and the Robins frolicking in the grasses around me. And I continued to run.

I saw these guys as I started up the hill towards the last part of my run. They made me smile. I was running slow today but I didn't care - it wasn't about that. This run was more for my mind and not just for my body. I continued to run, paying attention to the music on my iPod (my summertime playlist - all of the songs that connect me to the carefree summer days of my youth; the songs that always make me feel young and nostalgic.) And I ran.

I ran until I was soaked in sweat, until the aches gave way; I ran until I felt like I was no longer running away from something but rather running towards something. A hot shower, a good meal; hell, who knows. I just felt like I was no longer sinking out of control into the darkness, but that I was back on the right path.

The home stretch - two more miles left to go. I ended up running 8 miles. I feel 100% better... Now I will shower, and eat a good, clean meal. I no longer feel agitated or weepy. I still feel a little low, but it's not painful. Running is good therapy.

Temporary Defeat

I read somewhere that not every run would be a good one. I am all to familiar with the whole 'bad' workout experience, that pretty much summed up almost my entire skate season last near. (I went from rec skates to custom speed skates and it was... Painful.) - So yeah, I figured it would happen eventually, and I would get through it just like I did with skating. What I apparently FORGOT however, was just how devastating and frustrating it can be when it's actually happening.

I had a bad week and a half, then started getting back on track. I had a great workout last Thursday, then I did my long run on Saturday and I really struggled with it. I ran just a little over 7 miles and I walked for a lot of it. The worst part was that I never hit that part where I suddenly feel zen. I just felt tired and annoyed and I wanted it over with. Yesterday was the same way; I got on the treadmill and it was like everything hurt, and I couldn't catch my breath and I just wanted to be done with it!! I only did 3 miles, followed by a weight workout. I dragged through all of it and I didn't feel good the entire time.

I have a lot of stuff going on in my life right now; mostly stress at work. I feel extremely overwhelmed and depressed about it. Working out has been my salvation, because it usually makes me feel better. These last couple of times it hasn't. Today was the worst... I got a snazzy new pair of compression shorts, but I didn't realize how slick the material is. So my fuel belt kept sliding up and it started to drive me bat shit crazy. I kept having to stop and adjust it. I was so completely focused on the constant sliding belt that I didn't experience the run. It was a beautiful evening but all I was aware of was sliiide, stop: tug. Sliiiiide stop; tug. Fuck. Fuck. FUUUUCK!! Then when I didn't think it could get any worse, my headphone got snagged and when I grabbed it to adjust it; it broke... I almost had a melt down in the middle of the trail. I took the belt off and held it in my hand and ran the rest of the way home. Furious, frustrated and heartbroken. I was looking forward to and really NEEDED the zen of my run; but instead I just came home angrier than when I left...

I know it sounds so stupid but you have to be able to relate. When you just want to lose yourself in your head or have your senses stimulated by everything you are experiencing while you run; but all you can focus on is something that is ruining it. A rock in the shoe, a horsefly that won't leave you alone, capris that keep riding up behind the knee; or stupid slippery shorts that send your fuel belt sliding up practically around your neck - anything that redirects your attention and hampers your joy.

And I had a moment before I got in the shower, where I wondered what the hell am I doing? I'm sore. I'm tired. I suck at running. I feel like I've hit a wall; like I've had a set back. I feel like I did when I first started running; tired, sore, out of breath; weak! Why the hell am I doing this??? I mean, I don't have anything to prove, I guess I just wanted to see if I could do it. I can do it. (Dammit, I am doing it!!)

I have four weeks until my half marathon. I'm beginning to have doubt. Somebody please tell me this is normal, that this will pass - that I will get back to feeling strong and that I will begin to see improvements again..

My thoughts on Boston

I had to really think about this a lot before deciding to write a blog about the bombing in Boston. My emotions and my thoughts have been a shocked and jumbled mess all week - and I know I'm not the only one.

Long before I got serious about running, I understood the significance of the Boston marathon. I have a good friend who trained, and qualified, and ran it in 2008 - and I felt a huge sense of pride and excitement for her for accomplishing such an amazing goal. She is one of my running role models. She wasn't there on Monday, but I did have a friend who was. I met him through the Run Colorado running group and although I haven't known him for very long, I got swept up in the excitement of watching him train, and fret, and work his ass off to accomplish a personal best at Boston. For me personally, I find a great deal of joy in watching people work hard, and grow, and accomplish the things they set their minds to. These are the people who inspire me  the most.

So on Monday, I was following his progress on Facebook and feeling amazed at how well he was doing. He completed the race and I along with the rest of his friends were celebrating his amazing run. About 2 hours later; I started hearing the first details about the bombs going off at the finish line. First I checked to make sure he was okay, then started following the story.

After the initial shock and horror - I felt angry. Angry that someone took an event that celebrates diligence in training, discipline and pride; an event that inspires people to be better; an event that so many individuals worked so hard to reach - and turned it into a tragedy. They killed innocent people. They injured and maimed innocent bystanders; forever changing their lives. They tarnished the accomplishments by those who completed the run; and those who didn't even get a chance to finish. And for what? I know that the search for answers is on, but to be honest I cannot even begin to comprehend a reason for this. There isn't one.

I had a couple of people ask me if I'm afraid to race now. The answer is a resounding no. I refuse to live in fear. I have things I want to accomplish in my lifetime, and cowering in my house being afraid isn't one of them. As I continue to prepare for my upcoming half marathon, I know I'm not alone. Solidarity in the athletic community is amazing; to have a strong body you have to have a strong mind. I'm proud to be a part of this community and to share this mindset.

I haven't given much thought to running a full marathon - I need to focus on one goal at a time. Right now I'm focused on the half. I figured I would see how I felt after that one to decide if I could honestly see myself doing double the time and distance. But it is an option, there is no telling what I'm capable of yet because I keep surprising myself. I have no illusions; I would probably never qualify for Boston. But if I did, I would run it. Proudly. And without fear.

The Monkey Wrench Strikes Again

If you follow my inline skating blog or are my friend on Facebook then you probably already know about the monkey wrench. I also refer to it as the tiger on a ribbon, or the uncaged dragon with whom I co-exist but will never fully tame. It is a part of me, and it helps define who I am. Like it or not, have bipolar disorder. Yep, I'm crazy. I was diagnosed in 2000 but have been bipolar my entire life. (Back in school I was labeled 'moody', 'hyperactive', and 'difficult'.) I have bipolar II - which is characterized by hypo manic phases (rather than full blown mania - even though I have had at least 3 episodes of really scary full blown mania) with more emphasis on the depressive cycles. (Lucky me.) 

Every person with bipolar disorder has different hallmark symptoms. For me personally, I have 'good' mania and 'bad' mania. My good manic cycles are characterized by an increase in energy and stamina. I feel invincible, unstoppable and larger than life. Everything feels magnified: music sounds poignant and brings me to tears; food tastes better; colors are more vivid and I feel extremely sensitive to sight and touch. It's euphoria and elation and I won't lie; I love it. People pay money for drugs that make them feel that way! The bad mania is much less frequent (thankfully!) and my hallmark symptoms are agitation, rage, and paranoia.

I also have 'light' depression and 'heavy' depression. When I'm having a light depressive cycle, I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. I'm more empathetic. I feel nostalgic and connected to the world around me on a very basic level. It is like a heavy blanket has wrapped around me forcing me to be quiet and still. Reflective. The 'heavy' depressive cycles are horrible; and luckily also a lot less frequent! Those cycles have me spending days on end in sleeping away in bed, craving sweets, skipping showers, and not interacting with the world at all. I've been fired from jobs and lost relationships during these episodes because I am so far down that I just don't care. I am happy to report that I have not had a heavy depressive episode in years.  

When I was first diagnosed, I was put on Lithium and Zyprexa. At the time I was having a mixed episode; which means you are both manic and depressed. It's actually the absolute worst stage of the disorder in my opinion. Thus began my nightmare journey into the world of head meds... I won't go into too much detail because that is a whole other story - but for six years I was in a drug induced hell. I gained 65 lbs. I had hair loss, skin rashes, hallucinations. I now have panic attacks that I never had prior to taking the medications. My thyroid stopped working. The medications made me feel so disconnected from myself that I felt as if my soul had fled and I was just a shell of a human being. A dried out husk with no meat, blood, desire or motivation. I came to a point in 2006 where I made the decision that I would rather live with the symptoms of my disorder than the side effects of the drugs; and I stopped taking them all.

It wasn't easy at first but over time I have come to recognize the signs of the beginning of a cycle and I've learned ways to work through them with minimal damage control required. I've learned that a combination of diet, exercise, keeping a journal, and keeping my life low key can help keep me sane. The more mundane and predicable my world is - the more stable I am. I still cycle, sometimes very frequently; but they are usually gentle rides that I can get through without anyone even knowing that I'm cycling. (I get kind of resentful about that sometimes - having to hide it so I don't alarm anyone. I've embraced who I am, so why can't other people?) ... 

But anyway... It can be a monkey wrench. Why? Because a cycle can throw me completely off track, especially a depressive one. If I'm clipping along full speed ahead training for something, a depressive cycle can stop me dead in my tracks. Which is what happened to me last week. It's frustrating but all I can do is ride it out (doing what I need to do with minimal damage control required) and try to break through it as fast as possible so I can resume training. I envy people who can go week after week, doing what they need to do - without the added baggage of a mental monkey wrench.

I'm about 4 1/2 weeks from Colfax, I think I will still be able to get back on track with my training even with this monkey wrench mucking up the works....